his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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