I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
