Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
