Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
