Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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