I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
