How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
