i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize
