I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
