I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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