i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
