Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
