We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
there is puke in my bra ... again
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
