I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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