I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
