I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
