I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
