people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
