I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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