Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
