Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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