And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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