Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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