The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
