took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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