So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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