im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
