I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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