just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
