I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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