At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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