I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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