Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
