You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
