Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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