she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
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don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
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What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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