i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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