So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
