She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
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What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
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I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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