we have officially lost it.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
