Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
