He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.