I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
27 Times The Kardashian-Jenner Clan Absolutely Slayed at NYFW
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
19 Doctors Confess The Most Difficult Situation They’ve Ever Had To Face
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick