The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Randomize
