Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
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i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
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I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize