The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.