so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit