do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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