Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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