I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Randomize
