if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
we're so committed to being not committed
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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