You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
They should really pass out barf bags in church
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
