I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
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