We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
