I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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