i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
