How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
