I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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