How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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