I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
