this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
