ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
